The following is a line from a reeding we did in class [we were to choose the line(s) that spoke to us from the larger piece], and my accompanying response:
“The trick is to leave yourself behind,
to disguise yourself
in the unselfconscious body
of a woman you always meant to be..”
– From “In Another Country”
This line speaks to me because I want to be “that woman,” the unselfconscious one that I think someday I’ll let go enough to find. I’ll release a bit of control, loosen my white knuckle grip, and embrace all things intuitive. I’ll figure out what I actually like and don’t like vs. what I “should”- the “shoulda, woulda, couldas” that guide me. I’ll be more spontaneous. I’ll love without so much hesitation. I’ll make definitive choices and deal with the outcomes head-on, in a timely manner. But what if – until I can truly reach this point – I could adopt a disguise as recommended in this piece? I’ve often tried to approach uncomfortable situations as an actress, stepping out and shedding my multiple inhibitions to assume the role of the woman in the unselfconscious body. Do I dare leave that which allows me the illusion of self-control? Fear of the unknown keeps me thwarted, from embodying the woman I mean to be, the one I wish others to see me as. If I take on this guise, would it eventually either meld with my old, fearful/timid persona or completely take me over – a make-over of the grandest, least superficial sort? Either way, seems like a win. One step closer towards being the woman I aspire to be.